These girls love their puppies, maybe a bit too much...
You can't move for make-up and tuxedos in the lounge as the smartly attired housemates await their big evening on the, ahem, red carpet.
But when you make housemates wait for too long, they get bored. And when housemates get bored, they talk rubbish.
Before talking rubbish, they sang rubbish. Or should we say they sang good songs, but rubbishly.

Dirk led a rendition of Sinatra's 'My Way' but only half the housemates knew the words. It soon emerged that Danielle didn't know the words to any song apart from 'We Are the Cheeky Girls' - so the group singing was scrapped. Cue the rubbish.

"My dogs love it when I talk in a silly voice," said Jo, in a silly voice. "They get so excited. It's called doggy language."
"I love the smell of little dogs," purred Cleo. "Their little bellies."
"Puppies smell of p***," noted Jade, spoiling the moment somewhat.
"You're smelling the wrong end," Cleo informed her wryly.
"If you smell their breath, ooh I just can't explain it," said Jo.
"It's gorgeous," agreed Danielle.
"I smell my dogs for ages," revealed Jo. "I get them out and I just smell then."
"Whatever tickles your fancy," said Jade.
"I like dogs that look like they could take care of things," said Cleo.

Let's hope their task starts soon..

Glamour Assault
Monday 15 January
Day 13, 14:51

There's a surprise in store for the dolled up housemates...
When is a red carpet event, not really a red carpet event? Answer: when the red carpet is covered in sticky gunk that will foil your every step.
Right now, the housemates are getting changed into some terribly snazzy evening wear provided by Big Brother for their latest task - vaguely described as a 'red carpet event'. Yum yum: cocktails and caviar. Or so you'd think...
What the Celebs don't know is they're set to run the gauntlet of Big Brother's Red Carpet assault course. That means negotiating their way through a terrifying gunge-fest in the garden. No cocktails. No caviar.
"Once you're on the red carpet then what happens, do you just stand there?" wondered Jade while squeezing into a black cocktail dress.
"Maybe we're going to meet a new housemate," suggested Jo.
"I think this is bidding goodbye," said Shilpa glumly

All wrong. Here's what the housemates will really be getting up to in order to bag a luxury shopping budget this week...
1 Limo - Housemates must all wait in a limousine, ready to run the Red Carpet.
2 VIP Pit - Housemates must first negotiate their way through the perils of the gunge-filled VIP Pit, ducking through the hoops as they go.
3 Champagne Fountain - Housemates must make their way over the champagne fountain being sprayed with sticky water all the way.
4 Shower Of Awards - Housemates must collect a trophy from the lectern by unscrewing it, all the time being gunged from above.
5 Crawl Of Fame - Housemates must crawl through the sticky Hollywood crawl of fame gunge trap.
6 Fan Frenzy - Housemates must stop for autographs by the paparazzi where they'll be squirted with gunge from the camera lenses.
7 Photo Opportunity - At the end of the Red Carpet housemates must pose for pictures with their trophy before the next housemate makes their run.

The group have nine minutes to complete the whole thing - and they're getting ready by applying a ton of make-up and blow-drying their hair.
Well that's gonna be a waste of time...

Whale of a Time
Sunday 14 January
Day 12, 14:01

Communication breakdown hits the House...
Shilpa has been shacked up with Londoners Jo, Jack and Jade for almost two weeks - but she still can't work out what they're chattin' about.
The housemates were pondering their posers for Big Brother and after several minutes deep in thought, Jo announced: "I've got my question: what is the lifespan of a sperm whale?"
A reasonable question, we thought, and one we were all wondering - but little did the popster know, it would spark chaos in the lounge.

"What's the lifespan of a what?" asked Shilpa.
"Of a sperm whale." replied Jo.
"Of a spom..?" muttered Shilpa.
"A whale!" said an increasingly frustrated Jo. "A sperm whale is a type of whale."
"A wow?" repeated an utterly perplexed Shilpa. "What's that?"
"Am I saying it wrong?" barked Jo, starting to doubt her sanity as other cockney housemates barged in to help.
"Beached whale, killer whale... like a dolphin," implored Jade.
"Have you seen Free Willy?" chipped in the ever-helpful Jack, but Shilpa remained completely nonplussed.
"You really don't know what a whale is?" asked Jo with a look of unfeigned disbelief.
"In the sea..." said Jack.
"You know what a shark is don't you?" urged Jade.
"Oh a whale!!" shrieked Shilpa, before collapsing in a fit of relieved laughter, mimicking, "Wow! Wow! A wow!"

Maybe the housemates should ask if BB knows of any decent cockney interpreters...

Mother of Ian-Vention
Sunday 14 January
Day 12, 11:06

You can't beat a man who's good with his hands...
Way back in the mists of time when Ian was a glistening pop star, he wasn't known simply as Ian. Oh no. He was 'H' - for Hyperactive, apparently - and today he's reminding us why.
The vest-wearing popster's creative juices are dribbling out for all to see, with remnants left across the House. In the lounge is a homemade version of a popular 80s kids' game, lovingly crafted by Ian's soft hands from wooden skewers, a plastic bottle and a bunch of grapes.

"You pull all the things out and then the grapes fall," he explained eagerly to a bewildered Jo.
"What's the point in that?" she asked unimpressed.
"There is no point," he admitted, slightly deflated.
Perhaps it was this snub that prompted him to start work on his second invention of the day - namely a boat made out of a milk carton and a plastic bag.
First he changed from a black vest into a white vest (we don't know why) and then discussed his plan with Dirk.
Once he'd built the vessel, he took it out to the hot tub and watched in wonder as it floated on the steaming water.
"Look Dirk, it works!" he beamed, like an attention-starved child seeking approval from a demanding father.
"This is wicked! We can have a boat race!" he exclaimed. We can honestly say we've never seen him happier.

From the comfort of the lounge, Shilpa and Jermaine observed Ian frolic with his new toy. The actress looked long and hard at the display and sighed.
"He's so bored," she said.

Singing in Your Sleep
Saturday 13 January
Day 11, 23:08

Just when the housemates thought the party was over...
After an exhausting day of band practice, performing and then partying, the housemates decided to have an early night. But the party was still going!

Jermaine was the first to hit the sack, swiftly followed by a sleepy Dirk. After lounging around and chatting, the rest of the housemates decided to get an early one too, and took themselves off to bed.
With the rounds of 'goodnight' done, silence fell on the Big Brother House. But no sooner had their heads hit the pillow than Big Brother blasted out another Jackson 5 party song. Soon, the vocals of a young Michael Jackson filled the air as the classic 'I'll Be There' began to play.

After a unanimous 'Aww!' Jade shouted from her bed: "I love this song! Let's just listen!"
All of the housemates started to happily sing along and sway in their beds - Danielle and Jo held hands as they sang, a shattered Dirk half sat up and arm danced, even Jermaine rose from his pit on the floor. Then Danielle was up, dancing and moonwalking in the middle of the bedroom, before joining the rest of the girls and Ian on the double bed for a group hug.

Aww, togetherness, clearly that's all they're after.

High Five
Saturday 13 January
Day 11, 20:50

You have crowned Jermaine and his band champions...
They sang, they danced, and thanks to you, Jermaine and his band conquered. YOU have voted to make them the winners of the tribute band task.

Jermaine and his kinda 'Jackson 5' - Shilpa, Cleo, Dirk and Danielle, took on Ian and his Step-ettes - Jade, Jack and Jo. And then it was down to you to vote for the winning band.

Thousands of you cast your votes, we counted and verified them and can reveal that Jermaine and his band have been crowned champions of the Big Brother Battle of the Tribute Bands. In fact, it was a massive triumph for them, as they received a whopping 75% of the votes!
As a reward, Big Brother provided the winning band members with a special gold disc - and all of the housemates with a Jackson 5 themed party, with outfits and everything! They were given a lovely spread of chocolates, fancy fruit, beer, champagne and er, fish, and they wasted no time in getting stuck in.
And as an extra special treat, after Big Brother had announced the results, the winning performance by the Jackson 5 tribute band was shown on the plasma screen, so Jermaine et al could relive their champion performance. Cheers and laughter broke out, and all Jermaine could muster was: "Oh, God!"

Let's hope they don't stop partying 'til they get enough!

Dani-Yell
Friday 12 January
Day 10, 23:46

It's handbags at dusk, but why?
So what really went on last night? Danielle shouted at Shilpa, Shilpa shouted back, Jade didn't quite know how she was in the argument but that didn't stop her feeling patronised. It was all a bit confusing, for them and us. But as the night wore on, the story began to unravel. So lets clear it up for you...

Danielle was sad last night because her 'mum' Carole got the boot. And after a few drinks she thought it was all down to Shilpa. The actress tried to calm her down but it had the opposite effect.
A few more drinks down the line and a clearly well oiled and now teary Danielle revealed she wasn't only missing 'mum', she was pining for her man.

Jo and Shilpa offered a shoulder to cry on, which oddly, annoyed Danielle even more. She kicked off at Shilpa because she wanted Jade, her old mate, to comfort her. This upset Shilpa, and then Jade got dragged in. Oh gawd!

In bed later, 27-year-old Jo gave her younger mate some big sisterly advice.
"You shouldn't drink anymore," she told Danielle. "You said some really nasty things to Shilpa. You said 'me and Jo and Jade are really good friends, you're just the cook' and 'Shilpa is just a dog'. I thought, what are you saying?"
"I didn't say that in front of her though," Danielle replied. But Jo was taking a firm hand.
"That's nasty. You made every single girl look bad. Apologise to her. And don't drink no more."
"I'll try," said Danielle feebly.
"You turn into a different person when you drink. Please listen to me and Ian. You drank so much. Ian gave you a glass of water and you said 'I don't want water, I want wine'."
"I'm a disgrace?" asked the 23-year-old, sounding worried.

But Jo tried to stem the panic.

"There is no-one in this House to worry about. Just get some sleep."
Wonder if Danielle's sore head will remember the advice in the morning?

Sporting Chances
Friday 12 January
Day 10, 15:13

When in doubt, make your own entertainment.
With impressive resourcefulness housemates arranged their own mini-Olympics using a frying pan, some foil and not even a sniff of sticky-back plastic.

Jade rallied half the troops for a bracing game of rounders. Getting players to draw lots for teams spared any housemate's embarrassment at being picked last, and the two sides were divided into Carole, Cleo and Jade against Ian, Jack and Danielle.

Spreading themselves around the huge outfield that is the garden, the six lobbed their homemade ball, while wildly batting with a frying pan.
"Which way do you hit it?" asked Cleo, underlining a possible flaw in the run of play.
The game was halted by an inevitable lost-ball incident that had Cleo rushing for the leafy man to use his hand as a hook.
"Oi, that's my boyfriend. Keep your hands off him," said Jo who was sitting in Nowhere at the time.

With the ball out of play, the competitors hastily moved the dining room chairs into the garden for a round of musical chairs. Jo clapped and sang while Danielle, Jack, Carole, Iain, Jade and Cleo skipped around the seats. Aaah, they play so nicely together.

The exertion of the rounders took its toll as the housemates stumbled their way around the chairs. Jade was crowned the winner - a good job really as all that clapping knackered Jo out.
"Right. I'm really gonna have to go to bed now," she said. That'll make a change

Ladies Man
Wednesday 10 January
Day 8, 15:21

Leo's got a real way with the ladies in the House.
His constant jabbering, odd strops and potty mouth have endeared him to them like none of the other blokes. But maybe not in the way he'd like.

Hearing him swearing around the House, Carole, Shilpa, Jo and Danielle gave a collective eye-roll to the ceiling.
"I really like Leo," began Jo, the 'but' hanging heavy in the air. "But when he walks towards me I find myself walking the other way."
Carole let out a robust cackle. "We were saying exactly that last night," she replied. "He's a very likable man, but you don't want to talk to him. It takes too much out of you."
Jo and Shilpa nodded, but Danielle shuddered. "When he was asking me earlier 'Oooh can you keep your shorts on?' I was like 'No, f*** off! Urgh'."
"I find with Leo he shouts you down and makes you listen. And I want to listen if I'm interested. I don't want to be forced," continued Jo.
"I noticed this the day you got back," agreed Shilpa.
"It developed down in the servants quarters," nodded Carole.
"When he got back he was a different person," continued Shilpa.

Trust us, Shilpa, it's still him.

The Morning After
Wednesday 10 January
Day 8, 09:42

Girly chats? We got plenty of 'em.
And when you've got the unholy trinity of Jade, Jo and Danielle cuddled up in the double bed together, a mess of bed-heads and pyjamas, you just know the topic of morning gossip is boys, boys, boys.

Or in the case of this morning's chinwag, Jade's boy, boy, boy.

Under cover of duvet last night, Jade and Jack were pretty active. We wouldn't want to confirm what went on between the happy couple. But we wouldn't want to deny it either. Unlike Jade.
"Jack tried to have sex with me last night," she confessed to her chums as Jo and Danielle let out the pre-requisite squeaks and giggles. "So I jumped in here with you."
"Did he?!" asked Jo. "Was he trying to put things in your back?"
"He tried to put it in my ear," laughed Jade.
"He should go to the shower, poor boy," joined in Danielle, and the three collapsed into more three-fold giggling.

By this stage, Jack's burning ears pricked up. He gave the three a cursory glance. We've no idea what he was thinking, but we imagine 'those three' and 'bad news' might have come into it somewhere.
"Jack's frustrations are setting in," said Jo.
"I thought, if I turn round and face him it looks worse," continued Jade. "So I turned around and spooned him and thought 'no'."

Yeah right. You can't hide your midnight rustlings from us, Jade.


Cleo & Ian Love Jo!
Cleo and Ian discussed their mutual appreciation of Jo in a morning chat.

In the absence of old early morning tea-drinking partner Jackiey, Ian sat outside and chatted with Cleo about his life outside and inside the house. Upon the mention of Jo's name, Cleo enthused, "I love Jo".

The comedienne even went as far as to suggest a new line of work for the former S Club singer. "She said the other day she hated acting," she recalled, but said that she pulled off an uncanny impressions of Shilpa. "Makes me laugh every single time," she smiled. Ian, who "knew all the basics" about Jo before they had met again in the Big Brother house, said that he was glad of the chance to get to know her better through the "intense" situation. He praised her for having "a good heart" and claimed that she was "dry, dry as a biscuit".

Ever Had A Dream Come True?
Tuesday 09 January
Day 7, 20:16

Jo has been dreaming about an S Club reunion...
Two celebrities have walked and speculation in the House is rife about possible new housemates. Now Jo is excited that it might be another S Clubber.

With Jade, Jo, Danielle, Carole, and Cleo slumped on the cushions in the lounge, their girlie natter turned to crazy dreams that they've had in the House.
"I swear on my life!" Jo blurted out, suddenly becoming very animated. "I was in there and I had a dream that [S Club bandmate] Bradley walked through those doors!"
"And you've had an itchy nose!" Cleo quickly reminded her.

We're not sure of the significance, but Jo obviously was, as she excitedly continued: "Yeah, and I've had an itchy nose! And I dreamed that Bradley walked through those doors! And I woke up and thought... 'I would love to have him in here!'"
"I had a dream that we were gonna have an Indian takeaway last night," Danielle shouted, "and we did!"

And then Jade started to divulge information about a dream in which she ended up going to the toilet outside, in front of a crowd. Nice. But her tale was cut short when a giddy Danielle interrupted: "I reckon someone's gonna be in the Diary Room and they'll come in!"

The girls then proceeded to list the name of practically every celebrity alive and they were certain they would all be joining them in the House.
Who knows what Big Brother has up his sleeve!

Task Masters
Monday 08 January
Day 6, 16:00

And the Servants aren't bad either...
The housemates have passed the Masters and Servants task after Big Brother rewarded five of the seven workers for their sterling efforts pandering to Jade's Family.

It's been four days of hard graft for the butler, cook, waiters, cleaner and peasant girl, but now it all seems worth it... well, just about.

Big Brother allowed the seven Servants a maximum of two fails - and when Leo and Jo found their pay packets empty, the group feared the worst. Leo had been punished for falling asleep during a shift, while Jo was the unlucky employee blamed for allowing Ken to prepare his own cheese and biscuits.

"I didn't do that!" she protested, as the group braced themselves for a week of bland pasta.
But the team pulled it around with all remaining housemates picking up their wages. Head butler Carole was commended for her 'managerial skills and diligence', Ian was praised for his 'attitude', while Danielle and Cleo also received glowing reports.

Big Brother was particularly pleased with cleaner Dirk for keeping the Manor in 'pristine' condition, although the actor fretted: "If I'm a great housekeeper that means I can't be a real star."

They'll all be eating the food of stars from now on though... a luxury budget is on its way!

Jo Woman, Jo Cry
Monday 08 January
Day 6, 12:11

There ain't no mood like an S-Club mood...
There haven't been too many fights in the House yet... but there's been plenty of moping about.

Most of the housemates have cried at some point, and Jo is the latest to pick up the blubbering baton and run with it. The task has been getting her down, but it took the threat of being told a joke by Jackiey to push her over the edge.

"I only know one joke," announced the 48-year-old. "Jade told me it when she came home from school when she was 11, it was rude and..."
But the gag was interrupted by loud sobbing at the kitchen table, emanating from dejected popster Jo. Cleo quickly whisked her off to the garden for some girly TLC, leaving Jackiey without an audience.

"I'm so angry because they're winning," snivelled Jo.
Cleo tried to console her saying: "When we cry we feel ashamed of ourselves and we go psycho, that's when the good things start." That's, erm, some good advice there, Cleo.
"I really didn't want to cry," cried Jo. "All my family will be expecting me to break, I nearly went a whole week without crying."
"You've been the strongest of anyone," gushed Cleo.
"I need sugar, I feel like a robot," complained Jo. "I thought the tasks only went on for a day!"
Cleo agreed: "Yeah the tasks I've seen on TV before looked fun - there were people riding bikes and plucking chickens."

Now we know Cleo finds plucking chickens 'fun', we're sure Big Brother will have some equally entertaining things planned.


Jo Thinks Jackiey Fancies her.
Sunday 07 January
Day 5, 23:06

Jo thinks that Jackiey may be developing a crush on her.

Jade's mother apparently told Jo that she fancied her - and ever since Jo has been paying close attention to Jackiey's behaviour.

"Today she was going on about some beauty spot I've got," she told the girls in the servants' quarters. "And she was excited about seeing me this morning..."
"She was joking!" Cleo protested, while Danielle came up with a potential solution: "If she asks, I'll just say 'she's mine, leave [her] alone'."

Riches To Rags
Saturday 06 January
Day 4, 15:40

The first casualty of our stars' new lifestyle is their flashy clobber...

One day you're a glittering celebrity, the next you're a humble servant.

The Servants have been kitted out in outfits appropriate to their lowly standing, with their Quarters now resembling a classic Victorian scene (with sun tans). All the girls got frilly aprons, with the exception of Carole, who got a tie and jacket.

"You look like a real dominatrix," said an excited Leo.
"No, I look like a bloke," retorted the Geordie journo. The others seemed pleased with their new look and started devising characters for themselves.
"I'm going to be like Manuel from Fawlty Towers... Que? Que?" beamed Jo.
"I'm going to be Mexican," declared Cleo, clearly copying the popster.
"You should be deaf," suggested Carole to Dirk. "Or maybe you should be French."
The American looked nonplussed and said unsurely: "I'm not gonna talk, I'm just gonna clean."

Jo hatched a cunning plan to acquire some of next door's luxury items, announcing craftily: "I'm going to steal butter and put it in my apron."

Meanwhile in the House, the pampered Family feasted on a hearty lunch - but felt strangely unfulfilled.
"Please give us something to do. I want to be a servant, I can't just do nothing!" pleaded a bored Jade.

Sounds like the Servants are having more fun than their masters... but for how long?

Look-Likeys
Friday 05 January
Day 3, 12:09

Who's trying to confuse Big Brother?
It's amazing what a quick back-comb can do.
It only took two minutes with a brush and a pair of sunglasses before Danielle was possessed by the spirit of Donny.

"Yeah, gimme a f***ing bottle of beer!" she called, adopting Donny's drawl and staggering round the room.
"F***ing hell," he exclaimed from the sofa, arms folded. "It's like looking in a mirror."

Not to be outdone, Cleo set about Jo's barnet. "I'm having a Cleo day," she said, smearing on Cleo's bright-pink lippie.
Obviously impressed with their new personas, the two fright-wigs ran to the Diary Room to show Big Brother.
"I'm Donny today," announced Danielle from behind a pair of enormo-shades.
"And I'm Cleo," explained Jo, looking more like Young Frankenstein.
"I wanna be a rocker!" snarled Danielle, getting into the part.
"And I don't know what I wanna be," shrugged Jo. "I wanna be a tree."
"How does it feel to be Donny?" asked Big Bro.
"Fan-f***ing-tastic!" said Danielle. "But I think only for an hour. His tight jeans might not fit me."
"I think everyone should try and dress up. I think Jermaine should be Ken," suggested Jo.
"Can we have a poker night, Big Brother?" said Danielle, her accent beginning to slip, but continuing her rocker posturing. "We could all sit around with cards and chips... and alcohol! And we haven't see Donny in a bikini yet?"

A bikini? Is that a requirement of Texas Hold-'Em?

No Action Jackson
Friday 05 January
Day 3, 10:45

Who's the quietest housemate of them all?
If there were an award for the quietest Housemate, it would surely be won by Jermaine.
Obviously dazzled by the rays from a pop god in their midst, three of the girls couldn't work out how best to approach Jermaine, not the most verbally forthcoming housemate so far.

"I think Jermaine's getting p***** off with the mess. He's not happy," Carole told Danielle and Jo as the three collectively warmed their bots on the heated seats in Nowhere.
"I do need to tidy up," nodded Danielle, before announcing: "He's really shy, isn't he?"

"He's starting to come out of himself a little bit. You just have to sit and chat with him and he comes out of himself," chipped in Jo, who's having no problems clambering over his legendary status to get to the man.
"When someone else is shy, I go shy," announced the journalist. Okay, Carole.
"I don't know what to talk to him about. I'm scared to talk to him," confessed Danielle.

"The way to deal with him," began Jo, taking a knowing drag on her fag, "is to just talk to him about random c**p."
"I don't want to talk about his family," added Danielle.
"He seems to like it if you're just messing about and talking s***," said Jo, adding: "On a level that is not who he really is".
"Like normal?" confirmed Danielle.
"He must have people sucking up his a*** twenty-four hours," said Jo.
"What's he doing now anyway?" asked Carole.
Anything but sitting in the garden with you lot, it looks like.

Jo and Ken Spooked by Dreams
Thursday 04 January
Day 2, 21:14

Jo and Ken have swapped spooky stories while polishing off the drink and nibbles provided by Big Brother earlier this evening.

Jo revealed that she had had a recurring dream when younger about a man who subsequently showed up in real life.
"I was doing a talent contest when I was 13 and he was there. And he came up to me, walking towards me, and he said... 'You know who I am.'"
After that meeting, she said that the dreams continued for a while "and he was either drowning me in a bath full of water or pushing me off a precipice."
"I knew not to trust him," she explained. "It just made me so ill."

When asked if he had had any odd night-time experiences, Ken admitted to a variety of strange dreams. In one, he was terrified of a screen with three white bands that turned darker; in another one from his childhood, he was frightened of a giant that inhabited the end of the corridor leading to his bedroom. He also admitted to having a recurring dream presently:
"I have a recurring nightmare," he said. "I'm on an enormous film set with thousands of extras and they're waiting to start filming after lunch... and they're waiting and waiting."

S Club Party Pooper
Thursday 04 January
Day 2, 20:25
Jo isn't impressed to hear herself coming over the airwaves...
Former S Clubber Jo lost her famous flow when one of the band's old tunes blared across the House tonight.

Rather than reach for the stars, the embarrassed singer opted to flee the room instead!

The housemates had just been let out of the bedroom to discover an array of delicious food and drink when the familar cheese of S Club 7's 'Reach for the Stars' started to play - much to Jo's embarrassment.
The tune sent most of those present into a bopping frenzy, and they encouraged Jo to embrace her days as part of the pop juggernaut.

"Come on Jo! Perform!" urged Shilpa.

But the singer was not pleased. Clutching a beer, she stomped over to the sofa. A procession of housemates danced over to the blonde lass, subjecting her to an array of malcoordinated moves designed to entice her to join in.

"Come on Jo!" urged Ian. "No! This is the real me" she barked back, surveying the scene of flailing limbs reaching up above.As the song came to an end, she let off a blast to Big Brother: "I don't know what you've done that for."
"Who's next, I wonder?" pondered Dirk as the House was treated to suspenseful silence. His question was quickly answered as Leo's 'Thunder In My Heart' pumped out across the room.

Hearing one of his own tracks certainly made Leo feel like dancing, as he leapt up from the sofa with pure delight, proclaiming "it's the new one!" He treated onlookers to a song and dance routine that rolled back the years. Even Donny couldn't surpress a big grin.
It seems there is a party like an S Club Party when Leo's in charge.

Phew! Hot Mamma
Thursday 04 January
Day 2, 18:40
Jo and Ian decide Cleo's one foxy lady...in a mumsy sort of way...
Cleo's maternal nature has been noticed by Ian and Jo - who reckon the actress is a real MILF!

Before reaching their verdict, the two young singers were sat on the couch feeling a bit under the weather when Cleo came over from the kitchen to tend to the young lambs.
Ian tried to overcome his lethargy by leaping up with the aim of setting the dinner table, but Cleo was having none of it.

"I'm going to set the table - you sit down" she said, ushering him back to his seat.
"He hasn't done anything!" protested Jo, referring to the former Steps star's lack of housekeeping.
"Please - he's got a headache," pleaded Cleo on behalf of Ian. "I tidied up this morning," Ian cattily snapped back.
"You just rest until you feel better. Don't worry," reassured Cleo, as she returned to the kitchen.
"Thank you mum!" bellowed Jo. Then Ian turned the air a deeper shade of blue by uttering the immortal line - "she's definitely a MILF!"

Jo instantly agreed, which - without going into the cruder details of the acronym - suggests that Cleo is a lady of a certain age who can still bowl the boys over.
But when Ian asked the former S Clubber whether she'd like to be a MILF, Jo replied: "I'd need a kid first."

But we think you've got the potential, Jo!

Lost in Translation
Thursday 04 January
Day 2, 15:36
You wouldn't think a four-letter name could cause such mayhem.
Shilpa and Jo were two starlets divided by a common language this afternoon, as the pair tried to establish the correct way to pronounce Dirk's name.

We suggest 'Dirk' to rhyme with 'work', but hey...

"What are they laughing at?" Jo asked Shilpa as they listened to Dirk and Carol in the kitchen.
"They're saying I pronounce Dirk's name as duck," giggled Shilpa. "Dirk? Duck? Deuck?" she said.
"Dirk?" repeated Jo.
"Duck?" said Shilpa as the two fell about.
"It sounds like you call him Duck," laughed Jo.
"Duck Benedict. It sounds like a dish," chuckled Shilpa. "I don't call him Duck, I call him Deuck."
"Duck?" repeated Jo again.
"Jermaine," called Shilpa, corralling the Jackson into the fray. "How do you say 'Dirk'?"
"Dirk," he replied.
"See, he says it the same way."
"You say Duck?" asked Jo.
"Dirk? Duck?" repeated Jermaine sounding out the options, before drawling: "Oh, Dirrrrk."

Hearing his name, Dirk's ears pricked up and he looked at the women quizzically.

"We're doing name pronunciations. Dirk," explained Shilpa, before her and Jo repeated his name, one Mumbai, one Romford.
"I like yours better," chose Dirk. "I like accents."
"But how do you say it?" said Shilpa.
"It's got a hard R," confirmed Dirk. Wonder if he rolls his Rs too...